Growth is Messy

My mom was a farmer, she grew flowers, vegetables, maize and so on. When I was growing up in Zimbabwe, my job after school was to water the vegetables and flowers. I did not like it because I was too cool to be doing such a dirty job. I am the youngest of six siblings so, it was supposed to be my siblings’ job, so I thought. My mom made sure I did my job. There were times when I did help with weeding, watering is what I remember the most.

Almost a couple months after I turned 13, my dad passed away. Being daddy’s little girl, I was heartbroken. I did not know how to deal with the pain, so I pushed it down in my belly. I wanted to be strong for my mom. I also ended up being an angry teenager. When I look at most of the pictures of me that were taken during my teenage years, I do not see a smile at all. I was mad at God, mad at those who still had parents, just mad at the world.

My mom passed away three years and nine months after my dad. I do not remember a lot that happened during that time. All I know is that I was numb. Something inside of me died. People saw me alive, doing what teenagers do, but I do not remember most of it. I was neither taking any drugs nor drinking. It is as if I stopped existing. I also went into a silent mode. My family did not know what to do with me. All I know is I wanted to be left alone, and of course, it was impossible (coming from a big family).

My brother who was living in America was worried about me, and also, he wanted to keep an eye on me, so he arranged for me to go and live with him. Coming to America is a huge deal when you are coming from a third world country like Zimbabwe. Even now, some people would do anything to come to USA. This was also the first time in my life I was going to be in a plane, and it was going to be so many firsts for me. But the truth is, I do not remember my first trip here. I do not remember the journey from my town (Chinhoyi) to Harare. I am very thankful that my other brother came with me, otherwise….

Flowers brings a smile on my face. Plants give me joy. As an adult, I started keeping plants. All I did was water them and give them sunlight. I did not understand why they were not growing. I thought I was just good at killing them. I also thought I was being punished for all those times I sulked when my mom asked me to water the garden. What I did not understand was that I needed to get my hands dirty.

Growth is messy. There are times when you have to get your hands dirty, literally and figuratively. It is not silent treatment when you get into a disagreement with someone. When you are both calm, you will need to have an adult conversation. Avoidance only helps you to write a wrong story about the other person. It is not using self-soothing habits to help you avoid feeling the “bad” emotions, because when you wake up the next day, the problem will still be there. It is like when you have a baby with a dirty diaper, you can spray the room with perfume (I did not do that), use candles, as long the baby has not been changed, it will continue to stink and also bad for your baby.  You will need to get those beautiful hands of yours dirty for the sake of the baby.

Growth is allowing yourself to feel every emotion. All the emotions are good, as long you do not do anything bad with them. They let you know that you are human. When you lose someone you love, it is okay to have that ugly cry. Grieve the time you will never have with them again. When you can, celebrate their life. Remember all the good things and lessons they have taught you. When you see an injustice happening, get angry, and when you are angry, do something that will make a difference. Volunteer at National Domestic Violence Hotline. Do not use your anger to do bad things, that is not growth, do good.

Growth means that you allow yourself to be brave. It takes a brave person to be vulnerable. If you do not have a safe place to be vulnerable, seek for professional help. It is OKAY to talk to a therapist. Asking for help means that you are a strong person.

If I could go back to the time, I lost my parents, I would have allowed myself to have the ugly cry when I felt it. When people where comforting me, I heard, “they are now in a better place,” and so on. I felt like my crying was making people uncomfortable which made them say some things they did not mean, but they thought I needed to hear. The truth is, when you are the person comforting someone, you have to give the person who is grieving the space. Do not make it about you, because that would be selfish. I am very thankful for those who did let me cry and were there to just listen. It is more than 20 years since I lost my parents, I still grieve for them. I grieve that they were not there when I got married, had a baby and so on. I grieve that when I am having a hard day, I can’t call my mom, because I do not have one. I grieve for the little girl who lost her parents so young. I am also thankful for the short time I had with my parents. I have few memories I cherish all the time. Sometimes when I look at my baby girl, I see my mom’s smile.

I lost someone recently, who was there for me during the time my mom passed away. I am very thankful that he was that angel that I needed at that time.

“Change is hard at first, messy in the middle, and gorgeous at the end.” Robin Sharma also said that if it is not messy, it is not growth.