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Growth is Messy

My mom was a farmer, she grew flowers, vegetables, maize and so on. When I was growing up in Zimbabwe, my job after school was to water the vegetables and flowers. I did not like it because I was too cool to be doing such a dirty job. I am the youngest of six siblings so, it was supposed to be my siblings’ job, so I thought. My mom made sure I did my job. There were times when I did help with weeding, watering is what I remember the most.

Almost a couple months after I turned 13, my dad passed away. Being daddy’s little girl, I was heartbroken. I did not know how to deal with the pain, so I pushed it down in my belly. I wanted to be strong for my mom. I also ended up being an angry teenager. When I look at most of the pictures of me that were taken during my teenage years, I do not see a smile at all. I was mad at God, mad at those who still had parents, just mad at the world.

My mom passed away three years and nine months after my dad. I do not remember a lot that happened during that time. All I know is that I was numb. Something inside of me died. People saw me alive, doing what teenagers do, but I do not remember most of it. I was neither taking any drugs nor drinking. It is as if I stopped existing. I also went into a silent mode. My family did not know what to do with me. All I know is I wanted to be left alone, and of course, it was impossible (coming from a big family).

My brother who was living in America was worried about me, and also, he wanted to keep an eye on me, so he arranged for me to go and live with him. Coming to America is a huge deal when you are coming from a third world country like Zimbabwe. Even now, some people would do anything to come to USA. This was also the first time in my life I was going to be in a plane, and it was going to be so many firsts for me. But the truth is, I do not remember my first trip here. I do not remember the journey from my town (Chinhoyi) to Harare. I am very thankful that my other brother came with me, otherwise….

Flowers brings a smile on my face. Plants give me joy. As an adult, I started keeping plants. All I did was water them and give them sunlight. I did not understand why they were not growing. I thought I was just good at killing them. I also thought I was being punished for all those times I sulked when my mom asked me to water the garden. What I did not understand was that I needed to get my hands dirty.

Growth is messy. There are times when you have to get your hands dirty, literally and figuratively. It is not silent treatment when you get into a disagreement with someone. When you are both calm, you will need to have an adult conversation. Avoidance only helps you to write a wrong story about the other person. It is not using self-soothing habits to help you avoid feeling the “bad” emotions, because when you wake up the next day, the problem will still be there. It is like when you have a baby with a dirty diaper, you can spray the room with perfume (I did not do that), use candles, as long the baby has not been changed, it will continue to stink and also bad for your baby.  You will need to get those beautiful hands of yours dirty for the sake of the baby.

Growth is allowing yourself to feel every emotion. All the emotions are good, as long you do not do anything bad with them. They let you know that you are human. When you lose someone you love, it is okay to have that ugly cry. Grieve the time you will never have with them again. When you can, celebrate their life. Remember all the good things and lessons they have taught you. When you see an injustice happening, get angry, and when you are angry, do something that will make a difference. Volunteer at National Domestic Violence Hotline. Do not use your anger to do bad things, that is not growth, do good.

Growth means that you allow yourself to be brave. It takes a brave person to be vulnerable. If you do not have a safe place to be vulnerable, seek for professional help. It is OKAY to talk to a therapist. Asking for help means that you are a strong person.

If I could go back to the time, I lost my parents, I would have allowed myself to have the ugly cry when I felt it. When people where comforting me, I heard, “they are now in a better place,” and so on. I felt like my crying was making people uncomfortable which made them say some things they did not mean, but they thought I needed to hear. The truth is, when you are the person comforting someone, you have to give the person who is grieving the space. Do not make it about you, because that would be selfish. I am very thankful for those who did let me cry and were there to just listen. It is more than 20 years since I lost my parents, I still grieve for them. I grieve that they were not there when I got married, had a baby and so on. I grieve that when I am having a hard day, I can’t call my mom, because I do not have one. I grieve for the little girl who lost her parents so young. I am also thankful for the short time I had with my parents. I have few memories I cherish all the time. Sometimes when I look at my baby girl, I see my mom’s smile.

I lost someone recently, who was there for me during the time my mom passed away. I am very thankful that he was that angel that I needed at that time.

“Change is hard at first, messy in the middle, and gorgeous at the end.” Robin Sharma also said that if it is not messy, it is not growth.

The Sinner

Recently, I watched the second season of the show called The Sinner. If you like the show and have not watched the second season yet, please stop reading because there is a spoiler alert. The season 2 is about a 13-year-old, who killed a couple. When he got arrested, he confessed that he poisoned their tea and that is how they died. There was evidence to prove it was poison, and it was supposed to be a closed case.

Before watching this, I did not know that a kid as young as 8 years old can be prosecuted as an adult and end up in a prison, not in a Juvenile detention center.

In the show, there was a detective who showed interest in the case and wanted to find out the reason why the kid committed such a sin. He knew that there was always a background story. He worked hard to prove that the kid was a product of a cult that had psychologically messed up his mind. The 13-year-old was supposed to get 25 to life for each person he killed but due to the hard work of the detective and his team, he ended up getting 4 years in a rehabilitation center.

It was a happy ending for the kid who was in a messed-up situation due to the circumstances that he had no control over. Even after he confessed, the detectives were not looking at the kid as a sinner but someone with a story that needed to be told. Someone who needed to be protected from others. The season storyline was to figure out who the guilty parties were so that they could keep this young “innocent” kid safe from them.

In a perfect world, these detectives would treat every child and adult the same. They would use their resources to research the background story and figure out the best way to help “the sinner” and the community at the same time. But, we do not live in a perfect world. In the current world, when a brown or black child/adult is accused of a crime, they get sentenced first before they are proven guilty.  Because of their skin color, they are already sinners. It is as if having black skin, there is an unwritten sign that says, if anything bad happens, he or she is responsible for that. There is no room for understanding. There is no one explaining why the kid stole bread. There is no one wanting to listen to why the kid may be innocent. Someone has to pay the price. Someone has to be the ticket for the district attorney to become a politician. It is worse if the black or brown wrongs the white person. It is as if the world is going to scream, “HOW DARE YOU!!!” The “justice” system will use whatever it can to make an example out of you and throw away the key.

I know that the media has a part to play in this. When a white teenager goes on a killing spree, the media is afraid to call him a terrorist. It is as if you will be dirtying the whiteness. The teenager will be transported nicely in a van, and they make sure that he has a bulletproof vest, God forbid if anything happens to him. He will ask for a special kind of food since he has an illness that does not allow him to eat regular food. He will be called by his name, and someone will tell a story about how good he is, and that they are surprised by his actions. They will blame it on the drugs, friends or the cult he joined online. He will go through a trial with his peers as a jury. He will be found not guilty. He will go back to his community, auction the gun he used to kill those innocent people, and write a book.

When a black kid is walking down the street wearing a hooded sweatshirt, he gets gunned down because he looks like a sinner and the end.  Or, a black teenager goes on a killing spree…. I tried to me up with a scenario where a black teenager goes on a killing spree and survives.

I would like to believe in our justice system. I would like to know that if I ever got in trouble I can ask for help. I would hope to believe that when someone from the justice system receives a call that there is a sinner. They would do everything they can to prove that the person is guilty. They will also put it on the table to see the best way to punish or rehabilitate the person. They will also do everything in their power to protect the alleged sinner. They should have a jury of their own peers. Someone who looks like them.

I want to lose this feeling of not feeling safe and worthy to be treated like a human being. I hope that even when someone is a sinner, they will also be seen as a brother, father, son, teacher, blood donor, and all the other good stuff they have done in their lives. If the system decides to just see those who have committed crimes as just sinners, I think it will be fair to not make any exceptions.

Is the Grass Greener on the Other side?

If you read my previous post, you already know that I never dreamt of coming to America. It was my brother’s dream. I also know a lot of Zimbabweans who would love to be in the African diaspora because of the current situation in Zimbabwe. I also know Zimbabweans in the African diaspora (including me), if things were “okay” in Zimbabwe, we would pack our bags and live in Zimbabwe. I have lived in America more than I have lived in Zimbabwe so that would be something I would consider. 

The current marketing culture encourages you to buy a phone for example every year. You will be crucified if you are found still using a flip phone. We will have to go to sangomas (spiritual leaders) to see if they can help you. How dare you? Winning the fight against capitalism’s motive to make a profit. Yep, there must be something wrong with you? I feel guilty that I am still using a 2019 cellphone. It is as if there is a phone-police, that will check my phone and I will have to blame it on the Pandemic and not having a job. 

Social media makes it worse. There are people who feel they need to show the world that they are doing alright. I have my days. I removed my family pictures on Facebook because I want to keep a part of me sacred. I sometimes talk about my little one on it, but I have stopped sharing any photos of her. 

Maybe you are immune to social media, but I know that when I go on it when I am going through something, I leave the place emptier than I was. 

Comparing ourselves to others is a deadly disease. You will never be enough if you compare yourself to someone who you think is “doing better” than you. The truth is, we do not know the battles each of us are fighting behind the scenes. 

The grass is greener where you water it. If you start focusing on yourself, your relationships and the things that matter to you, you will find some pretty good things happening in your life. 

I have been going through some chaos in my life. One day I was holding my little one’s hand. I was amazed with how smooth and soft her little hand was. I realized that in the past few months, I did hold that little hand a thousand times and I was not present. I had not stopped to feel and appreciate my blessings. 

When you look at your neighbor’s lawn, it is east to covert, wish you had the same beautiful, trimmed lawn. I believe you can have it, but you have to be willing to put in the work. You have to study your lawn. See if there any patches that starting to dry. They are calling for your attention. They need more water and weeds to be removed around them. The lawn needs love. You cannot drive or walk on it and expect it to survive. It needs constant care. If you cannot personally take care of the lawn, then hire someone to do the job for you if you really care about it. 

Unless you are in a war zone, I believe that you are where you are for a reason. Look around you and figure out what is it in your life that needs to get watered. If you are struggling with something maybe, God or the Universe (whatever you believe in) is trying to teach you something. If you do not take time to learn the lesson, you will be stuck in the position until you do. 

Whether it is your career, personal life or family, in order for “it” to stay green, you will have to do the work. Life is too short. Find out what you really need to focus on and let go of the noise. It is meant to discourage you. 

Stop comparing your life with anybody. This is your life, and you are the one who was meant to live in it. So, live in it. When I die, I want my tomb stone to say, “There lies a woman who lived her life.” My job now is to make it true. It does not mean that my life is going to be perfect. It means that I am going to feel every feeling I was meant to feel. I am also going to do all I can to live a mark in this world. Even if it a small mark, I want my loved ones to truly feel love when they think of me. 

I have to take my time to kill the weeds in my lawn and make sure that I do not kill the grass in the process. I believe that everyone in my life is there for a reason, even some of them are just there for a short season. 

Wherever you are in life, take time to appreciate your surroundings. I am amazed that when I live in a town, I tend to take it for granted. I will pay money to go and hike in another town, but I never took time to know the mountain next to me. The mountain in the other town looks nice than the one next to me. I think the air is fresh, the one here is you know “boring”. 

Some people in New York are paying lots of money to go to Victoria Falls but they have never been to Niagara Falls. I think it is about the narrative that we want to tell other people. Covid-19 is forcing us to figure out our priorities. It is forcing people to appreciate the small things and the parks nearby. I hope we continue to appreciate the little things in our lives. 

Stop wanting your neighbor’s grass, you do not know what kind of manure they are using. Using Iyanla’s voice, “DO THE WORK.” That six pack you see on that person, you can also have it, right now it is underneath your one pack, just do the work. It is not going to be easy, but you have to choose the pain you want to feel. Do you want the gym pain or the unhealthy pain? You were given that beautiful body of yours, show it some love. Stop converting other people’s bodies. They are doing the work. Give that body of yours some tender love. 

I know my life and I know which part of it needs some tender loving. How about you?

Comfort Zones

Recently I have been watching The Parkers on Netflix. It is a comedy about a woman who had a child when she was a teenager. Now that her daughter is an adult, they are both attending Junior College together. Nikki Parker is the mom who is obsessing on her professor to the extend of stalking him. In the real world, this would not be funny, she would be in prison. She made a set of keys for his apartment and his car. Everyone, including her daughter and the professor, says that she is crazy. Nikki does not have a love life, because, in her mind, she is engaged to the professor. She would do anything and everything to destroy any kind of romantic relationship that the professor has with anyone. 

The cat and mouse game that the professor and Nikki were playing were comfort zones for them. A man tried to have a relationship with Nikki, which made her start losing interest in the professor. The Professor started losing his mind and professed his love for Nikki, which made her leaving the new guy and go back to stalking the Professor. The moment she was available, the professor lost interest in her. Towards the end, Nikki finally met someone who truly loved her and she felt the same way. Nikki found herself no longer obsessing on the professor. When the guy proposed, normally, most women get excited and say yes, but Nikki left the guy on his knees and went outside to ask God for a sign if the guy was truly the one for her. She got the first one and doubted and asked for the second one and she received it in the form of an earthquake. She finally said yes to the new guy. On the wedding day, of course, the professor started feeling lonely, his life was now empty, Nikki, the stalker is no longer there to make his life miserable, so he decided that he was in love with Nikki. When the professor interrupted the wedding ceremony and professed his love for Nikki. Nikki forgot all the horrible mistreatments from him. She apologized to the new guy and ended up marrying the professor. 

Nikki and the professor were each other’s comfort zones. They both found ways to sabotage meaningful relationships in order to stay safe. 

I believe that comfort zones have so much to do with control. It is about controlling the narrative. It is of course easy. When life gets hard, you get a bag of chips, remote control, sit on the couch for hours, it is all about feeling safe. The boogie man can not interrupt your life at that moment. You know exactly what is going on. And you do not have to think about anything that is bugging you. 

There are so many different comfort zones. We all have some in different parts of our lives. Being in a comfort zone is easy. We get to control the narrative. The comfort zone may be stressful, but you stay because you know “the ending”. 

You stay in a lifeless marriage because social media, praise you on how good you look as a couple. You accomplished the goal of being married so why would you want to mess that up. What would your friends, family, and the guy walking the dog say if you leave. You just have to fake it until you make it. 

You hate your job, and every time you think of going to work, you get sick in your stomach. You are stay because you are afraid of putting yourself out there. What if you never get another job you hate? What if ….. 

The pandemic has “made” you gain weight. The processed food taste really good especially when you are stressed. Exercise takes a lot of energy, come on, the world is no fire right now, why should I do something to make myself more miserable? 

When my baby started to go to daycare. I was sick in my stomach. I told myself all the horrible stories that could happen to her. Worse, when the teacher had to literally take her from me because she did not want to let me go. Of course, I know that it is good for her to be with other kids. It is very healthy for her to communicate with kids her age and learn. But the mama bear in me wants to control the story. I want to foresee things and keep her safe. I cannot do that at daycare. The terrible thing, the daycare has this video app that you can watch your kid during class. The first day, omg, all I can admit is that I know what she ate when she slept and so on. 

I can list all the comfort zones I know, but the truth is, we all know the things we need to work on. I think some of us, stay in these zones because they are easy. Some of them put us on autopilot and we do not need to think at all. 

Being too comfortable in these zones is not a good thing, especially when they become a daily routine.  As humans beings, we are meant to grow physically, and mentally. When you stop growing, it is as if you dying while still breathing. Instead of pointing fingers at others, I think it is best to start looking at yourself and ask yourself what can I change in my situation. If it a lifeless marriage, is there anything I can do to breathe life back in it? Did I try everything without blaming the other to have a better marriage? 

I do not know who said this, but I love this quote, “ If you do not like where you are, move, you are not a tree.” I truly believe that we are all stronger and capable of what we put our minds on. I know that sometimes I underestimate my baby girl, thinking at times that she is fragile, but so many times she has proven me wrong. I think it is time that we (comfort zoners) prove others, including ourselves wrong. Let’s take the risk by taking a step out of the comfort zone. Get your confidence back. After day one of exercise, you will feel pain, but do not stop because you are stretching your muscles that have not moved in a while. If it is your brain that needs to be stretched, take that class you have been wanting to take. 
If you have someone in your life that has been trying to pull you off the couch, please take their hand. They care about you. If you do not have anyone, you will have to use every strength you have to get up from that couch, and hopefully, one day you will be the one helping someone.  It is not going to be easy, but WE CAN DO THE HARD THINGS. Today is the first day of doing those hard things. You know what you need to do and the things that you need to get rid off in your life. Like Nike’s motto, “ Just Do It!”

Self-Rejection

The world has given us (women and minorities) so many rules. There are walls and glass ceilings that surrounds us so there should be no room for self-doubt and self-rejection. Some of us find ourselves wondering if we are good enough.

Have you ever wanted to ask for a promotion or a raise, ask a person out, apply for a position that you really want, ask a neighbor to have a cup of tea with you, and so on … and you do not do it? You are afraid that you may be rejected by the other person or party. So instead of waiting for the other person to reject you, you do yourself a favor and reject yourself first. Now, no one can hurt you.

There are times when we are not even aware that some of us are rejecting ourselves. Maybe, we have tried a lot of things and our hearts cannot take anymore Nos. Maybe, our loved ones have criticized us so much that we have lost self-esteem. Maybe we are comfortable in our unhappiness and we do not want to stir the pot.

Whatever the reason you give yourself, it is not good enough. You need to take a leap of faith for yourself, and the little ones who are watching you. Go ahead and apply for that position that you think you do not qualify for, ask that person out, go for what you really want to do. That dream, that was starting to fade or the goal, you think it is too far, it is never too late to try again. You can do it. You have everything in you to take the first step. Maybe you will be rejected by the person you ask out, that is okay, at least you move on and you get to learn something about yourself and maybe, you might find out you really did not like the person. It was a crush. What about if they say yes. That would be a win you almost did not get.

Self-rejection keeps you stuck in a place that you do not want to be. It makes you not have conversations that are supposed to help you take you to the next step. Being stuck, means there is no room for growth. It is not a good place to be. Be the one who does the hard things. Reaching out to a spouse when you are mad at each other. Swallow your pride and listen to why you cannot get the promotion NOW. This will also help you make a decision whether you want to stay with the company or not.

When you take the first step, you will find out how fast you can go, how healthy you are and what you need to do continue on this journey. If you are stuck, you will never know what you are losing. I would like to encourage someone, including myself, that you are more than enough. The world is already tough on you and you need someone to cheer for you. It needs to start with you. Be your own cheerleader. Even if you have loved ones that are cheering for you, but when you do not believe in yourself, it means nothing. Do an inventory of your life if you do not believe. Look at the things you have gone through and survived. You will find out that you are stronger and powerful than you give yourself credit.

I am going to leave you with The Holstee Manifesto – This is your life, do what you love. https://www.holstee.com/pages/manifesto